“And after all the obstacles / it’s good to see you now with someone else ,” you sing to yourself while you walk through a New Jersey convenience store, debating which flavor of Pop Tarts are the closest to being keto. “And it’s such a miracle that you and me are still good friends, after all that we’ve been through .”
You caught yourself before you started thinking about Ryan again, about how you’d look at each other, you know, before that fucking summer happened, when you hear a crash somewhere in the back of the store. You walk to the end of the aisle just in time to see several bottles of soda bounce once, twice, before rolling across the checkered tile floor.
You hear a man yell “Hey!”, and you watch a woman with dark hair in a dark coat, calmly pushing the contents of an entire shelf onto the ground. She stops when she reaches the ketchup, then steps over the mess and walks toward the cash register.
“I know we’re cool ,” Gwen Stefani insists from the overhead speakers. “I know we’re cool. ”
This could have been you on Friday morning, as this as-yet-unidentified woman singlehandedly trashed the QuickChek in Harrison, New Jersey, seemingly for no reason other than it was a Friday morning, and she was in Harrison, New Jersey.
Following her destructive rampage through the aisles, as the store’s other customers stood in stunned silence, she put a can of Pringles and a bottle of Vitamin Water on the counter, then threw several 5-Hour Energy shots backwards over her head. She continued to act like she hadn’t just completely fucked up the place, and pulled a credit card out of her wallet while she waited to pay for her snacks.
Nobody knew how to respond. She impatiently leaned on the counter, but either no one was at the register, or no one wanted to be at the register at that moment, so she ultimately left her stuff behind and walked out to her car. In the video, she doesn’t appear to have spoken one word.
Employees in green aprons and customers with their cell phones in their hands stopped briefly at the door, before following her outside. “The plate, the plate! The plate, the plate!” a woman suggests, as they start to photograph the front of her black Kia wagon.
“She’s probably going to run somebody over,” someone said, as she peeled out of the parking lot, cutting off an oncoming car. A half-dozen car horns sounded as her tail lights disappeared from view. There, the video ends. NBC4 reports that the Harrison Police Department is still searching for her.
Whether or not she’s caught, a QuickChek worker still had to clean up after her.
Back to your moment with the lyrical poetry of Gwen Stefani: You know what that feels like, having to put things together after someone else walks out. You put the box of Pop-Tarts on that now-empty shelf and slide your phone out of your coat pocket. One text. You’ll just send one text.
I know we’re cool
I know we’re cool